The Way We Are :)

La siguiente nota se distribuyó en las oficinas gubernamentales con idea es instar a los componentes hispanos de cada equipo a comportarse adecuadamente en un ambiente multicultural, sobre todo en lo que respecta al uso adecuado del lenguaje.

FROM: GROUP OFFICES BRUSSELS 

TO: ALL SPANISH STAFF 

SUBJECT: IMPROPER LANGUAGE USAGE 

It's been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our establishments that offensive language is commonly used by our Spanish staff. Such behaviour, in addition to violating our group's policy, is highly unprofessional, and offensive to both visitors and the proper staff. Therefore, it is requested to our Spanish staff to adhere immediately to the following rules: 

1. Foreign colleagues or visitors should not be referred to as "otro guiri de mierda" or "menudo gilipollas el noruego ese". 

2. Words like "coño", "hostia", and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. 

 3. You will not say "la ha cagao" when someone makes a mistake, or "la está cagando" if you see somebody being reprimanded, or "vaya cagada" when a major mistake has been made. All direct or derived forms of the verb "cagar" are inappropriate in our environment. 

4. No Project Manager, Section, Head or Administration Chief, will be referred to, under any circumstances, as "el hijo la gran puta" or "el muy cabrón", or even "el comemierda ese".

5. Lack of determination will not be referred as to "falta de huevos" or "mariconería", nor will persons with a lack of initiative be referred to as "capullo" or "acojonao".

6. Usual and/or creative ideas shall not be referred to as "pajas mentales", in particular when they stem from your manager.

7. You will not say "cómo me jode este tío" or "me está tocando los cojones" if a person is persistent, or "está bien jodido" or "se lo van a follar" if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, when matters become complicated the words "vaya jodienda" should not be used.

8. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say "vete a la mierda", nor should you ever substitute the most educated 'may I help you?' with "y ahora ¿qué coño quieres?"

9. If things get tough, an acceptable expression such as 'we are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than "esto está jodido" or "nos van a follar a todos". Additionally if you make a mistake, just say so and do not say "¡qué putada!" or any expression composed with the root "puta".

10. No salary increase shall never be referred as "subida de mierda".

11. Last but not least, after reading this note please do not say "me voy a limpiar el culo con ella" or "me la paso por el forro de los cojones". Just keep it clean and odourless and dispose of it properly. 

PS: IF THIS NOTE DOES NOT ACHIEVE ITS GOAL TO IMPROVE THE SPANISH STAFF'S LANGUAGE, IT CAN BE USED AS A SPANISH LANGUAGE COURSE FOR FOREIGNERS. 

+ "Cracking up" is "partirse o descojonarse de risa" in English! There's a new phrasal verb for you :)